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Finding my Way: Making friends at uni as someone who is estranged and autistic. By Muskan

Dear Reader, My name is Muskan and I’m studying first year computer science. I love listening to music, going on walks, and collecting jars to paint badly all over. My blog is talking about the experience of being an estranged student and also being autistic. This is a frank and honest blog – and I hope that it resonates with some of our community, especially during this Estranged Students’ Solidarity Week.

Earlier this year, during Fresher’s week, the question I was asked the most was “where in Manchester are you from?”, but my answer never felt simple. Do I tell them that my parents’ house is in the south, or do I try to awkwardly explain that I live alone in central? I have always felt between places – both physically and emotionally. Everyone assumes the suitcase I brought with me must be full, but the real baggage is all psychological. I am also intensely aware that on the outside I can come across as too quiet, too blunt, too difficult to figure out, too desperate. Identifying as both autistic and estranged, while empowering to claim my own sense of self, can create this perpetual sense of being slightly out of sync from my peers at university.

Autism and estrangement to me often means dissociating just to take care of myself, and it is exhausting. I find myself overanalysing every interaction that I witness to improve my mask and fit in better; everybody seems to “just know” what to do all the time, whereas I flail around and feel overwhelmed and embarrassed. I feel like I am more complicated than the people around me, and as though no one could possibly understand the mental triathlon I complete every time I’m considering how to behave in a conversation. Obviously, I am not psychic. If there’s one thing leaving my family taught me, it’s that you truly never know what people are going through behind closed doors. In a matter of months, my whole life changed. A few months later, I was stuffing what little I had into bin bags all over again to take to university. Making so many decisions (for example, to do with budgeting, taxes, chores, etc) gave me even more stress, on top of the usual feeling like an alien trying to blend in with “normal” people.

This leads to frequent burnout and, honestly, some terrible mental wellbeing at times. But, these two significant aspects of my identity (autism and estrangement) are things that I am extremely proud of too! I have worked hard to grow into the person that I am today, despite all the difficulties that so many of us experience. There is no denying that there is social stigma with both and they also make friendships at university an ongoing nightmare for me to navigate! I try to be an honest person, but when people ask me about why I haven’t visited home yet, I will admit I lie through my teeth. It feels too risky to explain and I think to myself “if they knew everything, would they still be my friend? Would I be even more of an outcast, a weirdo?” This added layer of puzzling over how to communicate it to them in the first place is enough to make me avoid the topic entirely. I watch my friends glide through the room, seemingly effortless with introducing themselves and rapidly becoming the kind of person that people tell strangers is “so lovely”. Me on the other hand… I trip over both thresholds and words, and I feel I am cementing myself as the girl who doesn’t belong – not at home, not at university, not anywhere.

But I have hope. Maybe belonging isn’t a location. Rather, it’s a sensation that I am still searching for. For the first time in my life I have the space to build a lifestyle that fits me rather than trying to be something I’m not. Plus, friendships that are built slowly can be far more meaningful. I know that feelings of validation don’t have to come from my family or neurotypical social norms. I am in the computing and technology society and the formula student AI society, although I do also take optional German seminars and take part in social badminton. I find it easier to gain a sense of belonging when I’m in these more specific groups as we have more aligned ways of thinking.

I’d like to leave you with the words of Ms Lauryn Hill, “your value is internal”. So, every day I embrace who I am a little more, and things get a little easier, and I accept that I am enough.

By Muskan

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