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Going out and grabbing the beauty in the world. By Deewa

My name’s Deewa, I’m a medical student at KCL. I love writing (which hopefully shows), art and literature – but for the most part my spare time is spent behind a laptop studying. When I have the chance, I love putting my thoughts to paper – which mostly consists of my observations of the world and the people in it. You can find me on Instagram @deewa.sa.

A part of being a care-experienced student that I hear brushed past all too often, despite the weight it holds, is the overwhelming feeling of powerlessness and an almost lack of autonomy that you’re used to. It’s strange because, for the most part, from a young age you’re forced to navigate your hardships alone, yet you’re stuck in this regimented system where you’re constantly being told what is best for you. For the most part, this has meant conforming to a way of life unimaginable to your peers. And so, I now understand why we talk of this so little – purely because of how difficult it is to articulate this emotion/experience.

When you go from a life like that to a place like university where freedom and choices are in overwhelming abundance: not only is it hard to find your footing in university, but also in the world as you scramble to discover who you are. You might be so busy and overwhelmed you don’t actually think to stop and ask yourself:

And that’s what I want to talk about today: the enrichment of one’s own life. I have learnt that in a world where hardships are inevitable and unpredictable, a fulfilled life is correlated to our ability to view the world through the lens of love, or when we understand how it is the most simple of things that are actually the most beautiful and profound—describe how oxymoronic that sounds.

A pessimist might say, “well, I don’t have anything to love” and to that I’d say to go out and find something, but in no way do I want to downplay the difficulty of that task. It’s not easy; I actually think it’s one of the hardest things in the world because, most of the time, it consists of us doing the thing that proves challenging for most people – showing up, even when it’s scary. Sending the first text, going to things alone, speaking up to make your voice heard. It’s scary, but what’s so beautiful is that even when you are ‘unsuccessful’ in what you set out to do, you get to look at yourself and feel a sense of pride in your own courage. Not only that, but it makes your next instance of showing up even easier – easier and easier until you reach your desired outcome.

As a care-experienced medical student, I can relate all too well with having to work 10x as hard for things that were simply handed to your peers. When people tell me about their experiences of private school or how their parents are doctors, I literally think to myself, “I grew up in foster care,” and that used to make me feel miles apart from the people I was studying with. I didn’t belong. It made me feel like an alien, like they could never understand how this experience of medical school comes with the burden of my previous life.

But now, I feel somewhat proud of it – I get to wake up every day, look at
my life, everything beautiful in it, and know that nobody handed it to me – everything in my life is mine and built by me. (Not to downplay anyone’s struggles or hard work, we’re all on our own journey with our own unique struggles.)

I remember my foster carer once scolded me for saying I can’t wait to be a grown-up: she told me how growing up comes with a plethora of difficulties, but she didn’t understand what this means to me. She didn’t understand the feelings of euphoria I have knowing that my life is in my own hands to do with as I please. Everything I want in this world is within my reach, and every day I show up, work, and toil in the pursuit of a better life is a testimony to the love I have for myself.

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